Yesterday, after a particularly challenging day with Kayen. I texted Kris and told him, you need to come home straight after work. He got the message and came home as soon as he could. He walked into the door and I stormed right out, because I was really going to lose it with the kid and I really really really did not want to yell at my baby boy. I went downstairs to do a pedicure, took a deep breath and tried to reflect on my parenting style.
I love K with all my heart, with such a fierceness unique to him that I have never ever ever felt before. I love my husband plenty, but with my son its so different. Its so fierce, so primal and at times so overwhelming. From his poo frequency to his organic purees to his developmental milestones, to tons and tons of researching on how I can make him a better sleeper. I read up about everything baby related, talk about it with my mom friends and try so hard to want to be the best mom for my little heart that’s beating out of my physical body.
I began to see that, that was the problem. I need to tone down my mama bear mode and learn to roll with the punches with my kid. I need to be less obsessive with tracking his sleep and just accept the fact that like any human, babies have good and bad days. My baby is unique and different, some babies have schedules but maybe mine doesn’t. I need to stop trying to fit him into a ‘good baby’ mould and accept and love him for who he is, from his big wide gaping open mouth smiles to the fact that he takes 20 min cat naps. I keep seconding guessing what I am doing as a mom, what I can be doing to make him a better sleeper, a baby who keeps to a schedule. I need to realize that its nobody’s fault, that I am doing the best that I can, he’s doing the best that he can and I need to treasure and appreciate this time more.
Even if I sleep a little less, take more naps with him and ‘waste the afternoon away’, its perfectly okay and alright. Even if I have to leave engagements earlier to put him to bed in the afternoon, its okay. Even if I decide to stay out late and have fun for a bit, its okay, I don’t have to feel guilty because he acts out, he’s a baby and if he’s not completely happy all the time, its okay. Even if the laundry is not done its okay. Even if I need to get help with cleaning the house sometimes, its okay. Instead of feeling inadequate, I need to utilize my support systems and stop thinking or feeling like I need to do it all. Instead of feeling like I’m so overwhelmed, I need to ask for help, accept help and appreciate the fact that I’m lucky enough to get help.
Learning all these is surprisingly difficult but so humbling at the same time. I’ve always held myself to high standards and wanted to give him everything I didn’t have as a child, but I’m not perfect and the sooner I accept that fact, will I be the best parent for my little boy.
My little heart.